I had all the build up and sorrow needed for a good old fashioned, 'The Notebook' styleВ loud cry. On the way back to my houseВ I wanted so badly to bawl my eyes out at the thought of her moving so far away. I got in my car, turned on the radio and drove off. I didn'tВ feel any less emotional,В the sense of loss hadn't dissappeared, I justВ didn't cry. But when we stood in the driveway saying our final farewell, making plans for future trips and promising one another snail mail packages of randomness,В giving hugs and discussing Peruvian druglord murder techniques, I realized that the tearsВ had dried up. IВ was on the verge of a breakdown as I walked up to front door of their house, and again when she played an Andrew Bird song her sister in law sent her in an attempt to shed some of her super-nervous energy.

But, as IВ began my drive home, having just said goodbye to one of my dearest friends, I couldn't cry. The reality of the situationВ had finally started to sink in. Tears welled up in my eyes so many times that day I lost count. I felt sadness in everyВ fiber of my being. I had cried the night before, twice actually, and also the day before that. Maybe the answer is right there at your feet, but you have to take a few steps back to see itвЂ¦вЂ¦Or maybe you should just get a dog and be single for the rest of your lifeвЂ¦. Why couldnвЂ™t this all just be simple? Do you attempt to get back on track hoping to pick up where you had left off, do you cut ties and carry on alone, do you test the waters for a little while just putting your feet in to see how it goes before fully cannonballing right back into the pool? Things shouldnвЂ™t be this complicated. You want to laugh, cry, puke and scream your head off all at the same time. ItвЂ™s a god damned roller coaster that feels like itвЂ™s very near to running off the tracks. Now the direction you will be going lies entirely in your hands. The analyzing begins, and you question yourself, past and present situations, conversations and actions, trying so hard to find clues that will give you the answers you need to make a decision, the right decision. Confusion, doubt, and a little bit of anger set in all over. Just when you were beginning to do this, and feel confident that you are better off with things turning out this way, it all gets shaken up again. You were resigned to the fact that it was the way it was. You simply wanted to move on and not be too broken about the situation. You had just spent so much time trying to heal yourself mentally and emotionally, trying to accept the harsh realities that were handed to you. They try and take back things said, actions carried out and want to just revert back to the way it had been before. Things were in fact going how you initially thought, down the road you had wanted and headed in the direction that you envisioned things heading. The realization by the other party involved that a mistake had been made, you were right all along. YouвЂ™re doing ok, that is until life tilt number two comes along. Each day itвЂ™s a little easier to deal with this new change, the twist in the road that sent your heart and mind into an emotional head on collision. You dust off and start the process of moving on. You slowly distance yourself and become accepting of the way things are, even if they are not the way you wished they would be. Try and look at things in a new light to gain some understanding of where it all went wrong and how your perception became so off. Piece by piece you reevaluate the current circumstance. You embrace it, let it settle and then you start to pick yourself back up. You let that sadness creep in for a few days. It wouldnвЂ™t be going in the direction you imagined, and the understanding you had of the events leading up to that point all went out the window. The way you perceived the situation was not actually how things were. As soon as you are certain that youвЂ™ve got the situation figured out, and you look to the future and try and imagine where it could go and how itвЂ™s going to turn out, it all comes crashing down. You start to let yourself get comfortable in your current state.

You think things are going in a certain direction and after awhile you start to think you have it figured out. You just carry on, floating down the river of life, and you let things unfold and develop naturally. You donвЂ™t get too caught up, and you donвЂ™t allow yourself to over think it like youвЂ™re known for doing. You find yourself in a situation that is unexpected, fun, wonderful, exciting and you go along with it.

Stardust memory